5 Ways to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse
Recent events have spurred talk all over the internet of a coming zombie apocalypse. Here's how to come out ahead in the human vs. undead war.
Editor's Note: This column is a departure for South Orange Patch, to be sure, but zombies have been a topic of conversation in a certain segment of our community lately. Yes, seventh graders I know have been preparing for zombies the way adults prepare for a teen birthday party, with a mixture of resignation, dread, and curiosity. For all of our readers who are wondering what's around the next corner, zombie survival tips are for you!
Some grisly events recently have sparked discussion on the internet of a coming zombie apocalypse, and while the rising of hordes of the undead looking to feast on our delicious flesh seems unlikely, it never hurts to be prepared.
Here are some steps you can take to survive the zombie apocalypse with your wits and brains intact:
1) Go On the Offensive
Head on down to the Army/Navy Surplus store, buy some supplies, and start zombie hunting. It's better to go down in a blaze of glory than get mobbed by a horde of zombies who slowly break through the old shed where you're hiding--first by shoving their zombie arms through the rotting wood, then by ripping away the walls as you weep and cower in the corner.
From watching a lot of The Walking Dead, the crossbow seems like the best zombie hunting weapon since the arrows are reusable. Of course, you're sacrificing speed there. But you know what works best for you in your zombie rampage, I don't have to tell you what to do.
2) Zombie Make-Up
Everyone knows zombies are really stupid--they're too busy eating brains to use their own. Take advantage of this by applying some gory make-up, affecting a blank stare and making moaning noises whenever a zombie approaches. They won't know the difference.
3) Hunker Down
As far as I know, they don't sell zombie survival kits at Kings or ShopRite, likely because those stores don't respect any humans who give in to the zombie enemy without a fight. You can make your own though. Just lock your doors, huddle in the basement, and hope the whole zombie thing blows over.
4) Find a Scientist
In the zombie apocalypses that I've seen unfold, there is almost always a lone scientist working on a cure for the zombie disease. Find that scientist and help him out. Of course, he's probably riddled with guilt from leaving his wife behind or something like that, so your best course of action is to talk him through his emotional issues so he can keep his eye on the ball: a zombie cure.
5) If You Can't Beat 'Em...
Who are you kidding, you don't have what it takes to survive a zombie apocalypse, no one ever does. Do yourself a favor and save a lot of heartache by just submitting to a zombie bite early on. The initial transformation will be quite painful, but then it's smooth sailing. No more worrying about the mortgage, you can focus on brains. Plus, the answer to the ultimate zombie question will finally emerge: what happens to zombies when they've turned everyone into a zombie and have no more fresh flesh to eat?